Another new beginning…

She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying, but the canyon’s ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart.
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She’s another two years older, and she’s three more steps behind…

After a long time away from this blog I return, two years older, and seemingly several steps behind where I was, and where I thought I would be. The last few years have been difficult ones, and I write this sitting on a mattress on the floor of my apartment, my belongings boxed up once again, not quite sure where I will be living in the not-too-distant future.

I have learnt some very difficult lessons, particularly over the past few months, and especially in the past few weeks. I have cried, and I have felt numb beyond tears. I have had my heart broken and my trust shattered. I’ve questioned my own sanity at times, because it’s surely more logical to assume that I must be going crazy, rather than that someone I trusted has been playing mind games with me, right?

I’ve learnt that, despite their flaws, or the difficult relationships we’ve had in the past, my family will always be there for me, and that my true friends aren’t necessarily the ones I spend the most time with, but the ones who’ll come through for me in a moment of crisis. I’ve learnt to see more of my own brokenness, and reached the point where all I can do is hope and trust in God’s mercy, because there is nothing I can do to fix things on my own.

I have just turned 25, but I feel about 40.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but still I’m not sure how things got to where they are. My parents, friends, and even my counsellor, tell me that I am a good and normal person who’s allowed myself to be manipulated by others, and taken advantage of. I even had a stranger warn me after Mass one day about some of the people I’ve been involved with. And yet still I wonder if all the things I’ve been told about myself are true – that I’m selfish, self-centred, prideful, spoilt, difficult, hypersensitive, manipulative, arrogant, unethical, unreasonable, self-pitying, and that I have too many issues because of my past. I have cried, I have fallen, I have picked myself up to start again, I have apologised and tried to make amends, and yet even then I have been told that I’m insincere, that my apologies are empty, that I’m not trying hard enough, or I’ve had yet more of my flaws pointed out to me. And then I’ve been told that it’s all for my own good, and out of love for me.

I have a lot of soul-searching to do over the coming weeks and months. I need to take a lot of things to prayer, and to counselling, and try to start rebuilding my life. I ask that you pray for me, and for anyone else at a crossroad in their life.

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